My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
