The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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