Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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