He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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