At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
