You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
