I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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