alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
