I'm so fucking centered right now
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
