The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
