i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My life is pants optional.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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