His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Just invented taco cereal.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize