There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
