I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
