I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
