Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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