i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
