last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Everything about him screamed your future.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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