Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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