the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
