I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
