I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
