Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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