capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
