I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
