i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
