video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
