Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
