Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
