This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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