you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
