Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Randomize
