I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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