Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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