I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
