Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
