I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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