what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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