My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
