my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
