God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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