Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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