i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
