omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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