Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize