I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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