she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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