you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
