I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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