I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
