you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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