the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
