Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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