I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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