I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
