Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
