i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
