I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize